Food & Drink: ALL BEER DIET
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> THE "BEER ME" DIET > > > FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost > all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure > carbohydrates. > > FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of > 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the > medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" > diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, > and 15 for men. A measurable goal. > > FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water > to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent > workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), > fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may > be). > > FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you > aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any > problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, > counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may > experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake > up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly > additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home. > > FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one > day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly > want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help > prevent heart attacks. > > FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The > only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have > consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way > the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until > you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, > the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches. > > FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of > exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to > build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you > really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up > to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, > you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone > who is newer to the diet plan than yourself. > > FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these facts, > let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation. > > CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted > during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters. > > MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be a slob. > > FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. > Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption > process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men). > > SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, > feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may > have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef > jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely > no interest in food, anyway. > > SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has > still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption > goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." > This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than > 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry. > > SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very > convenient diet during football season, but it can be > successfully implemented year-round. There is some major > professional sport being played every day of the year except > the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game > (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to > cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again > you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the > time. > Don't forget the aspirin. > > MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and > surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation > for the upcoming weekend. > > Happy dieting!!! |