College: Dear Dad *** PLUS OTHERS ***
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Dear Dad $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. ///// Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad ---------------------------- Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp. He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Behold, a genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got 3 wishes? The genie told Bill that due to inflation and tough economic times, only 1 wish could be granted. Bill thought a minute and said I wish for peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting. The genie looked at the map and said, You must be from Arkansas! These countries have been fighting for thousands of years. I'm good, but not that good, I don't think it can be done. Go ahead and make another wish. Again, Bill thought a minute and said, "You know people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real pain and ugly as sin. I wish that she be made the most beautiful and well liked women in the whole world. The genie thought for a minute and said, "Can I see that map again?" ---------------------------- The Lazy Husband A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more-- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman? Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?" ---------------------------- Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other- wise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin' a party Saturday. Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam. "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. It's just gonna be the two of us." ---------------------------- As reported by the San Jose Mercury News: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. |