Essays: DEAR DUKE:
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Dear Duke, A Friendly Humor Advice Column For more advice check out http://www.dearduke.com Dear Duke, I work for NASA and have been researching ways to break the light barrier. Face it Duke, if we are ever going to get out of the solar system we will need to travel faster than light. After careful study of the laws of general relativity I'm totally stuck. I just can't seem to get by in the time space continuum any faster than light. Any bright ideas Duke? Unenlightened Dear Unenlightened, I understand your frustration. I wrestled with this problem for years before I solved it. The secret to warp drive ( as the Trekkies call it ) is what I call ATM drive. Ever notice when you're in line at an ATM how the person in front of you is slower than you are when you do your transaction. From a relativistic point of view you are slower than the person in line behind you. And he is slower than the person behind him. It's easy to see that the longer you extend the line the faster the people get at their transactions. At some point, someone will punch through the light barrier. Reaching this point doesn't take very long. You only need a few hundred people in line. Just harness this energy and you'll go far. If you have any doubt about this next time you watch the voyages of the Starship Enterprise take a careful look at the back end of the ship. You'll notice an ATM machine. Duke Dear Duke, I've always wanted to write in to an advice column, but have never had the guts. Now alas, in this age of cyber everything, when even writing for advice is as easy as clicking a button, i say, "why not?". So with my new found liberation, away I go, telling you how funny and creative your column is. I only have one problem Duke, I can't think of a problem. liberated, yet problemless Dear problemless, Thank you very much for the compliment. I must admit though, I have a hard time believing anyone can be problemless. But since you say so it must be true. If you look around in the world surely you can see that there are plenty of problems around. Perhaps you can take on some other problems. There are still plenty of people starving in Africa. The rain forests are being destroyed at an alarming rate. Industrial pollution is choking us all. Taking on any of these problems is sure to cause you much existential angst. To be isolated from worldly problems requires a profound lack of empathy. You must feel so ashamed to be happy and content. Come on, be miserable. Duke Reply from problemless, Wow, thanks Duke I feel worse already! Dear Duke: Once again I am plagued with a matter that has become my new enigma. And since you so wonderfully solved my other, guess what, you get this too. "Shopping carts" Why can't people put their shopping carts back where they go? Instead of leaving them sitting out in parking lot nowhere land as if they're little receptacles of steel and advertising waiting patiently for "only ^he^ knows" what to fall from the heavens. Is this a viral syndrome or, perhaps something even deeper? thanks, I just gotta know Dear I just gotta know, NO NO NO, Whatever you do don't mess with those carts out in the parking lots. You may be messing up with someone's experiment. Those metal grids that you call "Shopping carts" are really radio astronomy antennas in a phased array. They are mapping the radio universe. They could be listening to alien signals and moving one cart just a centimeter could tune them into Rush Limbaugh. I guess that wouldn't make much of a difference. You get the point. The next time you see one of those store employees taking a cart back in the store be sure to scream at them until they run in terror. I know they are only 16 and trying to get a few bucks to put gas in their car so they can take a date to the drive in but science is science. Hot times in the back seat will have to wait. Duke Dear Duke: A question has occurred with myself and a close friend who has found a particular area in the internet and had a couple "heated" moments. Now they are going through a guilt phase. Perhaps you could answer this. Would it be considered cheating when you "Cyber" with another on the internet? I say it is no different than your significant other quietly reading the latest edition of Victoria's Secret, Penthouse, or even hottest romance novel and finding that heated moment. Your wise thoughts? waiting with anticipation Dear waiting, I think we all know the great lengths the mind can go in constructing fantasy relationships. It's so much easier to stare longingly at the greener grass over the fence than to tend to your own garden. The internet has given us the ability to have virtual relationships with virtual people. In the Duke's opinion these relationships are indicative of an inability to have a real relationship or a symptom of discontent with your present relationships. But there are many reasons that virtual relationships are better than real relationships. 1) Computer viruses much less dangerous than HIV viruses. 2) As long as things are in hand your partner will never let you down. 3) No deposit, no return. 4) No snoring. 5) No dirty socks left lying around. 6) When the going gets tough you just click the disconnect button. 7) No honesty needed. 8) $19.95 flat monthly fee, unlimited use. As you point out, waiting with anticipation, the internet is not the only way to have fantasy relationships. Victoria's Secret or romance novels work fine also. The practice is as old as humankind. Duke Dear Duke, I've written a few good books in my time but lately I'm, having trouble coming up with new and original ideas. It seems that my creativity is spent. I still have that urge to write but my fingers remain dormant on the keyboard. Do you have any suggestion for revitalizing my creativity? Stifled Dear Stifled, I certainly understand your frustration. I've wrestled with writers block and dormant keyboards myself. I've received some comments that this column lacks creativity and original thought. Of course those comments were from people who lacked the capacity to type and chew gum at the same time. Why else would they have those "sticky keys". One convenient way to get around this problem is to pick up and study a copy of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Idea Recycling for Fun and Profit. Another good one is Creativity is from Mars and Repeating It is from Venus. Yes, you too can cut out the pages from one of your old books, shuffle the pages and put a new cover on it. You may get an internal revulsion at what you've done but you'll get over it once those royalty checks start pouring in. Don't forget, those aliens from Independence Day are coming back. Once they found out their ship was destroyed they organized a counter offensive, and boy are they pissed off. The Duke predicts ID5 is coming. Duke Dear Duke, I'm engaged to be married to the woman of my dreams. I love her a lot. The problem is that she is pregnant and she is not sure if the baby is mine or this other guy she's going with. She's decided to marry me and I'm so happy about it. The other guy is upset but is out of the picture unless blood test prove the baby is his in which case he wants visitation rights. I want to raise the child as my own regardless of who the father is. What should I do Duke? In Love Dear In Love, I don't think the problem here is that he wants visitation rights. The problem is that somehow the three of you have managed to contribute to the gene pool. And you are threatening to further add to it. Perhaps you can contribute to society by learning a new skill, such as bomb defusing or nuclear waste cleanup. Or maybe prevent further damage by getting a vasectomy. Well, good luck with your sister. Duke Dear Duke, I've noticed this strange phenomena around my house lately. At time these little dust balls appear in the corners and crevices around my walls. If I leave them alone more appear over time. If I sweep them up more of them appear a few days later. No matter what I do they keep coming back. How can I get rid of these? Flustered Dear Flustered, You must notify the FBI, CIA, National Guard, Centers for Disease Control and the Men in Black immediately and have a wide perimeter quarantine placed around your house. This phenomena you are talking about is called spontaneous generation. The generation of life out of inanimate matter. I know you thought Louis Pasture disproved it but I know it's real and just a government conspiracy that keeps it secret. Unleashed around the globe this phenomena would result in our planet being overrun by dust balls. Of course the quarantined area will have to be incinerated. Just think of your sacrifice as a small price to pay to save the world. Containment procedures must be instituted immediately. If anyone out there has noted a similar phenomena in their homes let us know so sterilization procedures can begin. Duke Dear Duke, I have a question about animal behavior. When I come home from work my cat seems glad to see me but then rubs up against my leg and purrs. I see no useful purpose for this behavior. It seems to be some expression of affection but I'm not sure. Why does my cat do this? Purrrplexed Dear Purrrplexed, Watch out! Your cat is secretly disgusted with you for going to work and abondoning it and is trying to assassinate you. How do I know? Your cat is trying to build up an electrostatic charge on you which can electrocute you. Whenever my cat purrs and rubs up against me I grab em and rub an acrylic rod on him until I can paste him against the wall. The static charge holds him there long enough to remind him what it means to be a cat in a human world. Finally he falls and slinks away totally humbled by the experience. After that my cat won't dare to try to electrocute me for months. Duke Dear Duke, Sometimes when I'm driving I get stuck in an unexpected traffic jam. The cars just creep along and I get all upset. I finally get to an area where there is an accident. What confuses me is that the accident is cleared off to the side of the road but people still creep by the accident. The way I see it there is no obstruction in the road and we should be going normal speeds. What's going on here? Jammin Dan Dear Jammin Dan, I know what you mean. This problem occurs in all major metropolitan areas. There always seems to be an accident slowing me down when I'm late for my dates with Heather Locklear. The way I see it, if I have to wait in a traffic jam while pouring sweat and getting cramps in my fingers from gnashing the steering wheel while my ulcer doubles in size and Heather runs off with another man I'm going to get a damn good look at the accident when it's finally my turn. I guess everyone else feels the same way too. Duke Dear Duke, Why do Dear Abby and Ann Landers have such large followings, when they are sisters, and cannot even figure out how to get along with each other? Randy Dear Randy, It has to do with the psychology of advice column writers. Advice column writers are a strange breed no matter how you look at it. Letters to advice columns cannot possibly give adequate information about complicated issues and are biased towards the person who wrote the letter. To foist yourself up as someone who can give advice based on this takes a kind of an arrogance and stupidity. Now, have you ever seen two stupid arrogant people getting along? And don't forget that poor self esteem is the driver for arrogance. (insecure.dll) My advice to you - don't take my advice. But you ask why they have such followings. Let's face it. People like to be told what to do. When their personal lives fall apart they can say "Not responsible! Abby told me to do it." I call it the seduction of the dictatorship. Now people, I want each of you to send me 5 dollars. Then tell 5 of your friends to each send me 5 dollars. Then have them tell 5 of their friends to send me 5 dollars, etc, etc. I'm a New Age believer in pyramid power! Duke Dear Duke, I recently bought my first computer and because of my curiosity about all this stuff I hear about the internet I decided to subscribe to America on Line. I've found it very frustrating because half the time I try to log on the phone line is busy. At other times I will be on line chatting or something and it will say "Goodbye" and cut itself off. What do you suggest I do about these problems? Aholed Dear Aholed, First off, don't feel guilty about having America on Line. Many of us, when we first bought computers and didn't know any better, subscribed to AOL. Think of it as learning to crawl before you can walk. It's now time to move on. First thing you need to do is get a good novel. Next is get the 1 ? 800 phone number for member services from AOL. It's somewhere in the membership services area. It's hard to find but is there. They don't like to give it out because, heaven forbid, you may need to talk to a human being. Next, call the 800 number. You will then have to navigate through a maze of menu options, loops and dead ends by listening to machines and punching in numbers. These are designed to shield the humans at the core of the AOL Fortress and to frustrate you into giving up. But don't be deterred. Eventually you will reach a point where you'll get a message that says "I'm sorry, all our customer service representatives are busy now. Please hold." At this point sit back in an easy chair, open your novel and start reading. When you get about to page 178 the human at the core of AOL will say "How may I help you?" at which point you cancel the damn service. Next, get yourself a real Internet Service Provider. I don't mean to sound biased here. I know that other ISPs have their problems too. And after months of exhaustive research on AOL I have come up with a socially redeeming value of theirs. When they send me AOL setup disks in the mail I slide the tab in the back to occlude the square hole and then I'm able to delete the AOL junk and use the disk for anything I want. Duke Dear Duke, On a lighter note I wouldn't mind knowing the Grand Unified Theory (GUT) of physics so I could claim I discovered it myself and become as omnipresent on PBS as Stephen Hawking. lost one Dear lost one, Wanting to know the Grand Unified Theory is a laudable goal. After all, the GUT is THEE holy grail of physics. I question your aspirations to be on PBS. Do you want to hob nob with Barney and Mr Rogers? Do you want to be forgotten in boring documentaries? Do you want Amylotrophic Lateral Sclerosis? But you asked for the theory and not my opinions. Fortunately I happen to have a copy of the theory that I wrote up a few years ago. In the beginning there was a singularity, of infinite density and temperature. You cannot know the laws of the singularity because you cannot walk the Planck. When the universe was about ten to the minus thirty six seconds old a period of rapid expansion occurred. This unfolded to become a great turtle. The ridges and bumps on its shell are the mountains and valleys of todays earth. It's a virtual turtle so no one can disprove this theory. There you have it. Please deposit tips in my holy grail. So take this to PBS. As your fame and fortune blossom be sure to remember that you heard it first from the Duke. |