Quotes: DEEP THOUGHTS
|
ha ha ha...huh? I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. ======== I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. ======== Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. ======== What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. ======== Instead of a trap door, how about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. ======== During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." ======== If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. ======== When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ======== I remember how my uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. ======== Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. ======== If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. ======== If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's ok to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. ======== Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? ======== If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. ======== One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. ======== If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. ======== Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." ======== Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. ======== For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? ======== I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. ======== If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" ======== Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. ======== Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. ======== I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." ======== I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. ======== I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. ======== If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." ======== The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." ======== |