Adult: IN DEFENSE OF SEX
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by Jim Rosenberg Why am I writing about sex? Because sex is first and foremost, funny. Sure, it's the "ultimate expression of love" and yes, I realize it represents "absolute intimacy," and Lord don't I know it is part of the glorious cycle of procreation: Dinner --> Movie --> Coffee --> Sex --> Pregnancy -->Youth Soccer I see the bookstore shelves lined with scary rants about how sex is dangerous, mysterious, unfathomable and it makes me want to say "wait just a spit-sharing minute!" As a public service, I'm here to remind you why sex is nature's practical joke. So, lighten up. Here are some reasons why sex is funny: 1. Animals do it. Say what you will about how complicated and layered sexual relationships are. While you are jawboning about it, big stupid elephants are doing it. Warthogs, pigs, squirrels and porcupines all manage to be "sexual beings" without the assistance of talk shows, therapists or even Johnny Mathis albums. Of course, human beings didn't agonize over sex until our brains got up to cruising speed. I always get a kick out of the movie "Quest for Fire." Set in prehistoric times, the plot features cavemen who just evolved from animals, oh about last Thursday, and use, to put it mildly, highly abbreviated pickup lines. The only place you can find that style working now is, of course South Carolina. 2. Those faces you people make. What is the deal with those smooshed up faces? If that's the way you people look when you are ecstatic, I just hope I never have to see you sad. All across the world, serious and thoughtful folks--perhaps even Walter Cronkite and Margaret Thatcher (separately!)--are making passionate faces that look like Jim Carrey auditioning for his part in The Mask. This is why sex is primarily a nocturnal, lights-out activity.. 3. Those noises you people make. (See #2, above.) 4. Sex punctures pomposity. Imagine talking to someone who knows a million times more than you about something--let's say Mutual Funds. It's a very intimidating experience to hear them rattle on about--and I apologize for using these phrases--front-end loads and back-end loads. Now, imagine them saying--and meaning--the following: "I want desperately to have sex with you." Well, that changes things doesn't it? All of the sudden Mr. or Ms. Knowitall is not so intimidating, right? Please don't ever forget that the future genius of the 21st--the man or woman who will surgically implant chips into our brains--has either a Cindy Crawford or a Fabio poster on the wall right now. The point is that sex is a devastating leveler of the playing field. If you don't believe me, then answer this question: when I say, "Hugh Grant" do you still think "boyish charm" or is it now "limey pervert?" 5. Naughty parts. Let me see how to put this. We have certain parts--naughty parts--which are the basis of a--and I apologize for using this phrase--two-pronged strategy. On the one hand, we drink tea and eat little sandwiches and generally pretend that our N.P.s are domesticated. On the other hand, we are docile slaves to our N.P.s and routinely walk planks into shark-infested waters in service of their unquenchable thirst. The torturous contradictions inherent in the Two Pronged Naughty Part Strategy are the stuff of laughs. For instance, our mind says, "Always be yourself and let your confidence shine through" while our N.P.s might say, "I've got a great idea--let's call the old girlfriend and hang up like a third-grader!" 6. Nudity. In the movies nudity is a gift which, when unwrapped, takes the breath away. In real life, nudity sometimes involves hairy legs, black socks, a wristwatch and some corn stuck between your teeth. My teeth, I should say--I am speaking personally here. In real life, nudity is a matter to be negotiated, thusly: "I agree to do my best to come up with things which cause you to make the happy noise. In exchange, you agree to see me naked and not show outward signs of revulsion." The least funny aspect of sex is the most prevalent: categorization. I don't know when it happened, but someone lined up everyone in the world and had them explain what kind of sex they liked, while a bureaucrat with a notepad came up with a boring name for it. Now, we are left with these colorless categories which serve as team names in a battle without a purpose. Homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, transvestite--these are real yawners. I have no comment on the morality of these folks, I just wish we could pepper up the language a little. As a public service, I offer the following interesting sexual terms: * Splintercourse--The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the Mile Marker 189 Rest Stop.") * POTUS Interruptus--A sexual encounter prematuraly ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned. (POTUS = President of the United States.) * Play-doh-masochism. [Insert your own joke here]. * Feastiality--Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 Weeks, or what?") * Homosectional--Multi-part couch made up of all right or left sides. * Nophyllactic. A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception. * Bromo-sexual--Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "women I've dated." * Wargasm--Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!") * Frommage a Trois--Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (the cheese). * Toupalactic--A powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question. * Trojan Purse--Where liberated women carry their contraceptives. * Lymphomaniac--Individuals who are obsessed not with *having* sex, but talking about it. (e.g., "Sheesh, that Sally Jessy Raphael is quite a lymphomaniac, isn't she?"). I hope this shoddily researched and quickly slapped together essay has given you new insights into matters of the flesh. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Everything you ever wanted to know about sex" copyright 1996 by Jim Rosenberg. All rights reserved. If you received this article from someone else, you should know that it originated at Silly Little Tomte Publications, an online publishing enterprise. To learn more about it, crank up your browser and point it to http://pobox.com/slt/. Have a nice visit. Jim Rosenberg works in the insurance industry in a job he describes as "so boring, describing it here would cause the reader's TCP/IP connection to simply disengage." By night, he writes a humor column for TRIADstyle, a weekly publication affiliated with the News & Record in Greensboro, NC. His most recent article for Sam's Revenge was You say that life is a battle, and ode to obituary poety. You can reach him at abco100@nr.infi.net. |