Unsorted: Les Nessman quotes from W.K.R.P.
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I do the sports news here, Mr Flytrap. I don't know if you've noticed, but there certainly are a lot of negroes in sports. In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument. Turning to sports, the winner of this week's Gulf Coast Golf Classic was Chiy-Chiy Rodwigweez. Chiy-Chiy finished with a nine under par score. I've always considered myself a fairly macho kind of guy. Andy, this isn't the Ohio State Journalism School. This is the big time. It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From... W.... ... K... ... R... ... P!! Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this! I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered, but some of them tried to attack me! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that. I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counterattack! It was almost as if they were ...organized!! I don't know any women! There's Mrs Rombauer, the widow next door. Maybe she'd go with me. She's starting to lose her hair, too. Don't tell me to calm down, I've just paid five dollars to find out I'm rounded at the free end! And in fact, there are many examples in history of hogs replacing horses. In the ninteenth century, an Englishman trained swine and drove four in hand through London with these curious steeds. Altogether with its potentialism repressed as it ordinarily is, the pig is a veritable Pandora's Box of exciting possibilities. This has been Les Nessman with a wrap-up of today's major news stories. Now stay tuned for a whole slew of commercials, most of which would insult the intelligence of the average six-year-old. I've been studying the equal-opportunity laws, and you've got a real leg up here, my friend. Being a negro is where it's at Mother always told me that journalism wasn't a gentleman's pursuit. I think at the end there she really had her heart set on me being a ... cowboy. Bailey. A voice doing news on the radio must be rich and full, with mellifluous, rounded tones. It must be... it must be a man's voice. Les: One thing is certain, this dark Wednesday will live in infamy! Johnny: Thursday, Les. Les: Thursday. Johnny: Hogs. Communists. Think about it. And now, Porker's Paradise Sweetmeat Treats, purveyors of pork-like products to the tri-counties, proudly present... (The tape fails to come on. Les cups his hands in front of his face and speaks in a deep voice) Les Nessman and the news! (Les makes a typing sound) Hello, this is Les Nessman with the seven p.m. news. The presidential campaign heats up as Carter-Kennedy coffee klatch concludes clash concerning Kansas Convention caucus. But in Bute, Bush, Baker and Brown blast bountiful big business boom. I'll be right back after these meif bressages This is Les Nessman with a special news bu-- why is the music still on? (Johnny gestures to the controls and Les fiddles with them, turning the music first louder and then off) Boy, what a lousy board! (Johnny points to the microphone and mouths something) Today, the Queen City stretched wide its welcoming arms to the Ohio Hog Farmer's Association on the occasion of their annual Pork Festival. This reporter has learned from a reliable source close to the hog persons that yours truly, Les Nessman, has been named featured speaker at tonight's Swine Soiree and dinner dance. Congratulations, Les. Johnny has taken out a lighter and set fire to Les's paper. Les continues to read from the flaming paper, trying to blow the flames out at the same time. Words obscured by laughter!! (to Jennifer) Wouldn't a man change his religion, so to speak, if you were, so to speak, the church? That was a primal scream, John. I read about it in a book. It doesn't work for me, but I do it. Wait just a minute here, wait a minute! This meeting is starting to lose some of its bitterness! I don't think that's a healthy trend! This is Les Nessman, WKRP's Fish Eye in the Sky! Reporting that traffic's a snarled mess down there and that we're about to hit a bridge. Aahhhhhh!!!!! Okay, you're not fired. But from now on, I am in complete charge. Okay, you're in charge, but you better be careful because I'm watching you. Okay, I won't watch you. Les: My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house. Jennifer: Really. Les: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one. Les's news report: And finally, did you know that only a miraculous set of circumstances makes life here on Earth possible? For instance, the planet's size is just exactly right to hold our atmosphere. The atmosphere contains just enough oxygen to support life. And our distance from the sun is just perfect for the right temperature. Should there be even a trivial change in any of these conditions, all life here on Earth would certainly be obliterated in a matter of milliseconds. This is Les Nessman saying good day, and may the good news be yours. Do you realize how little doctors know? Wise up, John. Come to think of it, when somebody goes, usually the last person he was with was a doctor. Les: And on the commodities exchange, hogs again took a mysterious stumble, as soybeans and wheat made a shocking comeback. Les: If the Beatles are the construct of modern music - and I use that word "construct" incorrectly - surely they were given birth to by Elvis Presley, a giant for sure, but the product of the black experience. Ergo - and I use that word correctly - blacks created modern music! Scratch an Allman Brother, and you have black. Scratch Billy Joel [pronounced Joe-well], and you have Howling Wolf! I could go on, but my mother is in town. Let's just say that every white rock and roll musician working today should take half of his or her paycheck and mail it directly to Chuck Berry. At least that's what I think, and I won't even go into jazz. Arnold, enjoy your visit to the station. Venus, nice visiting with you too! (He waves goodbye enthusiastically and exits.) I'm Les Nessman. I read your book. Didn't help me any. This is Les Nessman, saying, this is Les Nessman. Les's commentary: America? Who was that lady I saw you with last night? Could it have been the sweet seductress known as the Communist conspiracy? Was it she who stood under the streetlights, luring the farm boys with her broad shoulders? Beware! Think about it! To secret service agent You people are afraid of me. Well, I am a member of the Hoedown Square-Dancing Club. Les: In a situation like this, I always ask myself, what would my hero Edward R. Murrow think? And I think that Ed would think that this was censorship. Then I think about what my other hero, General George Patton, would think, and I think George would think that radio and television ought to be cleaned up, and if he were alive today, he'd take two armoured calvalry divisions into Hollywood and knock all those liberal pinheads into the Pacific! So as you can see, I'm a very confused man. And when I get confused, I watch TV. Television is never confusing. It's all so simple somehow. I'll tell you what, Bailey, I'll make a deal with you. I'll join the union if you can tell me where Jimmy Hoffa is. Les, pointing the stairs leading upstairs: Do these lead upstairs? Johnny: It depends on which way you're going. Les: What is an executrix? Herb: I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that. Later... Les, accusingly: I looked up 'executrix.' It has nothing to do with high heels or leather! Les's commentary on germs: German measles. Russian flu. Montezuma's revenge. And why do we say a foreign word whenever someone sneezes? Tomorrow I'll take a look at swine flu, up close and personal. Les: When someone plays mind games with Les Nessman, they're walking on thin ice. Except Les has a cold, so it comes out: Whed subwud plays mide gabes wit Les Dessmad, they're walkig od thid ice. Les: Monster lizard ravages east coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the east coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless! Johnny: Monster lizard? Les: The wire service never lies! Johnny: Les, the "B" is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard! Les: That was Johnny Fever. And now stay tuned for Johnny Fever. Les: Are you trying to tell me that I'm not worthy of Lorraine? Jennifer: No, I'm trying to tell you that Lorraine is not worthy of you. Les: She cost $200. Jennifer: No, she charges $200. Les, I'm talking about the oldest profession. Les: Lorraine's a farmer? Flames fill fifth floor of Flim building! Firemen fight fierce conflagration! Les: Officer Shanks, explain "fire." Fireman: What? Les: Exactly why do things burn? Fireman: What kind of a station is this? Les: The phones are dead! The phones are dead! Venus: Not now, Les! Les: Well, shouldn't we call somebody? Les: Listen all this week for my five-part, gloves-off, no-holds-barred commentary, "Rutabaga, the Vanishing Vegetable"!! Les, reading from dictionary: "Plagarism. An act or instance of plagiarising. Something plagiarized." (Slams the dictionary and leaves.) Les: It's difficult to describe the feelings this reporter had as he walked through the pens. I felt a tug on my pantleg, and I looked down into the face of Harold, a little razorback hog, blind since birth! Les: Have you ever wondered why Russian women look like men? Bailey: I hadn't noticed Les: I think they kidnap men from all over the world, take them to Moscow and turn them into Russian women. Bailey : Do you? Les: That's what I think happened to Jimmy Hoffa. By now he's probably a grandmother in the Ukraine. |