Children: Retardment
|
Retardment This is about a teacher who asks her third grade pupils to write about how they spent their spring break holidays. One child wrote: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa". They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night,... Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren" << RULES OF THE AIR ~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. ~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. ~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. ~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. ~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. ~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. ~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. ~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. ~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of ~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. ~ Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. ~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. ~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago. ~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots. Captain Bravo Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!" No Pets Allowed Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?? A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" FINALLY!--A MALE BLONDE JOKE An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch." |