Computers: VIRUSES YET TO BE SEEN
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OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 300MB. FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friends hard drive. AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/: POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits. TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS &1 The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS &2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your programs can never be found again. STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. NEW YORK JETS VIRUS Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. Makes computer play itself and lose. LAPD VIRUS It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." O.J. VIRUS It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it. |